intolerable lightness

2011-10-27T20:16:00.001-07:00

I thought about leaving her, all alone, in the city. Although someone soon would probably come to the rescue. She looks like someone who needed rescuing. She had the kind of sad voice and fragile bones that made you want to save her, even though you didn’t even know how.

She would wander all alone, lost, confused, wondering why I had left her in midst of all the chaos. Maybe she would have a few more drinks than usual, to soothe her aching curiosity. So that even when the sudden rushes of fear tries to crush her with its weight, she would feel it less.

I can see it, she would take the side streets instead, running faster inside than the steps she can take. She would observe everything around her more vividly, so she could extract herself out of this world. Out of these streets, sidewalks, places with memories.

Instead, I stay. I trace her skin with bare fingers so she can remember my touch. The maps we’ve drawn together, places nonexistent aside from our own stories. I ask if she’s warm, if she’s hungry, if she’s tired. She only smiles, looking afar, disappearing from the room, gripping my hands tighter.

Updates with Photos

2011-06-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

cats,friends,hikes,farmers market,life.

2011-03-27T23:45:00.001-07:00

Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan
When something is broken
and you try to fix it
Trying to repair it anyway you can

2011-03-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

"Our contemporary education, then, indoctrinates us in the glorification of doubt, has created in fact what could almost be called religion or theology of doubt, in which to be seen to be intelligent we have to be seen to doubt everything, to always point to what's wrong and rarely ask what's right or good, cynically to denigrate all inherited spiritual ideals and philosophies, or anything that is done in simple goodwill or with am innocent heart"

-Sogyal Rinpoche

2011-03-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

2011-02-22T23:53:00.000-08:00

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

2011-02-22T23:48:00.000-08:00

"The hardest love to learn is that which is dark, the kind that causes the most pain. It is up to the soul to look past that dirty love and regain the beauty that illuminated so bright before... pure love. "

-Dirty Love

2011-02-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

Everyone wants happiness but no one knows how.
Some want eternity but live in fear of the future,
While rooted in the past, unable to move forward.

Everyone hope to be better, but all we've got is our best.
Living in the confusion of what's right or wrong,
when there's only the decision that you make.

Wondering what's too much and what's too little.
and have I said enough, but will he remember?

Everyone wants to be special to someone.
But some are so caught up in our self-destructive ways it's a hard habit to break.
Even knowing the demons are demons, we praise and worship them.

We let fear deconstruct our chances at something worthy,
and all the while holding onto the yesterdays spent with blood and tears trying to build any impossibility.

And the exhaustion caused by disagreements and contradictions are wearing these souls. The desire for survival, and to find something good.
Something that may not be eternal, but will nonetheless be beautiful.

2011-02-20T21:24:00.001-08:00

Tired of feeling lost in midst of searching for a balance. Negativity sucks me into a deep repetitive pattern, and I want to claw my way out of the tunnel. But a part of me is content to be there. Miserable, angry, bitter, sad. But the best part in the cycle of emotions is indifference. You are neither happy or sad, but just there. existing almost as an empty shell. You touch all but feel nothing. absolutely, nothing.

no more sadness, no more happiness, no one wins and no one loses.

Pure happiness is always temporary. While sadness lingers and never wants to move past completely. But both are essentially made from the same DNA. And neither one a destination. Just a variety of emotions just as different days go.

I want to be happy, more than I am not. But sometimes, indifference feels much safer.

2011-02-13T12:50:00.000-08:00

2011-02-02T19:26:00.000-08:00

she posses in her, the strongest and weakest of them all.
of all her belongings, linked to the worldly cause.
she is the goddess, striking death and power amongst men,
and she is the tuberose, barely alive under the desert pain.

each nigh fall, each delicate road.
she learns to crawl, to walk, to run, to fight.
only to fall, and began to understand the way of the game.
not wanting to play, she stands tall.

dead against the sun, against all possible chance.
fighting to stay stern, stay cold, stay alive.
for falling under the feet of one single vision,
causes pain harsher than the light.

at the expanse of night,
of their shining shield,
sends her wishes to the sky.
the luring spell of eternal affair.
she casts her last dying breath.

to die for the night,
weak or strong,
was worthy of the fight.

2011-01-26T20:17:00.001-08:00

first like a volcanic eruption,
the death of a village, tiny million voices scratching for empty plates.
begging for forgiveness.
the century’s sins and unspoken words’ neediness,
are enough to fuel the burning plains.

red ashes slithering between doors and windows,
the predictions were accurate, yet they could not leave.
homes left from their ancestors, memories they could not abandon.
the monster swallows every happy photo hanging on the white walls.

the shelters built after the warnings were not brave enough to withstand the war.
pieces falling and melting, while the bodies inside burns to ashes.

and everything sort of just melted into one. the struggles without a sound,
the cries unheard, the eruption, the heat,
and the death.

and so the land became no longer a village, but just a battlefield.
but there was a sort of quietness, like the soldiers left behind in the field.
unable to move, steady, calm, lying there, helplessly.

the sort of peacefulness that sounds like surrender,
when the fighting just wasn’t enough to win anymore.

gray, gray sky, gray fields.
the reminiscent imprints of all the struggles for survival.
are the only colors left, different shades of gray,
in the calmness, after the storm.

2011-01-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

2011-01-08T12:49:00.001-08:00

last night i dreamed of moving to Paris.
With only a tiny bit of excitement, I was devastated.
I did not want to leave.

my focus begin to draw upon a single individual.
and that scares me,
how much of the worldly eye have I shed to remain tightly, safely in all of my arrangements?

I have forgotten the existence of life beyond love.
always one of my biggest weakness.

My vision is limited because I only see one thing, one person, one desire.

Understanding I am not alone in this offers no comfort.

how can i step back again, and gain proper prospective.
Instead of waiting, I'd rather be living.

2011-01-02T01:29:00.001-08:00

"I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep, and there are no words for that."

~ Brian Andreas

2011-01-02T01:27:00.001-08:00

"I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together."

2011-01-02T01:26:00.001-08:00

"Body cells replace themselves every month. Even at this very moment. Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories."

~ Haruki Murakami

2011-01-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

2011-01-01T23:06:00.000-08:00

2011-01-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

Doubts. They won't stop gnawing at my brain.
Tell it to stop, I am the murderer, the thief, the liar, the plan.
Tell it to fuck off, I had the keys and books and the noise to fend them off.
The darkness inside wants to fuck everything over. The need to seek revenge for an untaken cause.
A thought yet in action though I have played it thorough.
Fuck you all, I can't keep the plate and eat it too.
Only with intent to drawl,
I'll rip your heart out and trample over your dead mouth.
Spit in your face and rub salt over your open scar.
They say interdependence is the key to functionality.
Depending on you leaves me no cause.
So fuck you, and you, and especially you.
I will destroy you and them and all.
Who's to blame?
I'm outta the game.

2011-01-01T23:00:00.000-08:00

i wish i knew then, what i know now.
perhaps it would all be a different world

2010-11-21T22:48:00.001-08:00

“Love, they say, enslaves and passion is a demon and many have been lost for love. I know this is true, but I know too that without love we grope the tunnels of our lives and never see the sun. When I fell in love it was as though I looked into a mirror for the first time and saw myself. I lifted my hand in bewilderment and felt my cheeks, my neck. This was me. And when I had looked at myself and grown accustomed to who I was, I was not afraid to hate parts of me because I wanted to be worthy of the mirror bearer.”
— Jeanette Winterson - The Passion

Muse

2010-11-17T13:45:00.000-08:00

And during the struggle
They will pull us down
Please, please let's use this chance to
Turn things around
And tonight we can truly say
Together we're invincible

2010-11-12T09:50:00.000-08:00

I already love in you your beauty, but I am only beginning to love in you that which is eternal and ever precious - your heart, your soul. Beauty one could get to know and fall in love with in one hour and cease to love it as speedily; but the soul one must learn to know. Believe me, nothing on earth is given without labour, even love, the most beautiful and natural of feelings.

-Leo Tolstoy to Valeria Arsenev

2010-11-12T00:18:00.000-08:00

Love isn't ideas or dreams, but actions and experience.

So farewell, fantasies.

I have found my own, to live, and breath my own fantasy, which is coincidentally, my reality.

2010-11-02T18:56:00.001-07:00

“I strip myself emotionally when I confess need – that I would be lost without you, that I am not necessarily the independent person I have tried to appear, but am a far less admirable weakling with little clue of life’s course or meaning. When I cry and tell you things I trust you will keep for yourself, that would destroy me if others were to learn of them, when I give up the game of gazing seductively at parties and admit it’s you I care about, I am stripping myself of a carefully sculpted illusion of invulnerability. I become as defenseless and trusting as the person in the circus trick, strapped to a board into which another is throwing knives to within inches of my skin, knives I have myself freely given. I allow you to see me humiliated, unsure of myself, vacillating, drained of self-confidence, hating myself and hence unable to convince you [should I need to] to do otherwise. I am weak when I have shown you my panicked face at three in the morning, anxious before existence, free of the blustering, optimistic philosophies I had proclaimed over dinner. I learn to accept the enormous risk that though I am not the confident pin-up of everyday life, though you have at hand an exhaustive catalogue of my fears and phobias, you may nevertheless love me.”

- The Romantic Movement, Alain de Botton

2010-10-29T23:37:00.001-07:00

December 25th, 2005

2010-10-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

Same time
Next week
I'll hold you again
When the sun comes out
When the road runs out
We sweep through our secrets

Baby, don't be late
Don't forget when the road
Runs out over you
I'll marry you

it's alright.

2010-10-28T16:10:00.000-07:00

Allow me to take every, single, god-damn, broken bone.
Let me wash them raw, dry, empty, and place them back into their cages.

too frail, too thin, too afraid for anything less than best.
So stop looking at the wrong places, and misguided questions.

Learn to break every, single, god-damn, structure.
Then remember to come back and take me to pink clouds.

We fight, so hard.
but this battle has won, from the first second of introduction,
first recognition of love, of something more vague, but even more sincere than love.

Instead of tying strings and begging to plea,
why not just be?

I am yours, and theirs, and ours, and mine.

2010-10-22T15:59:00.001-07:00

It always amused and frustrated me, how as soon as the technical titles of two people change, their attitude and connection changes also.

Is it a defense mechanism?

How is it that two souls who were so intertwined could just split and pretend nothing had ever happened.
As if the second you denounce the titles, the ships, the technical links, all feelings and connections are just suppose to disappear also.

How can I not love you? Just because I'm not suppose to love you. Just because our title according to the social structure requires nothing but a hello, then that's all we get.

How can two humans turn against eachother as if all the precious moments that had existed before just vanishes. Gone into the thin air.

Do real feelings not count anymore?
And why do we act towards eachother only when we are entitled to those actions.

Just because you are no longer my significant other, I no longer have to care for your well being??

It seems impossible to me.

For whtever reason caused the split of those socially structured titles, I still care. You do not just become ANY body just because you're no longer MY somebody. It's heartbreaking to see someone you cared and loved so deeply become just another stranger.

Perhaps it is the logical and reasonable way. All i know is, no matter If you are "mine" or not. You are essentially still the same person that I've loved and that won't just change overnight.

So, how come so many lovers become strangers in a matter of seconds?
I'm assuming and almost certain that it's part of our defense mechanism.

But still, it breaks my heart every time.

2010-10-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

This time it’s different.

when I was nine, I thought I knew it all. Thought I was so wise, and brave, and so ready to take on the world.

This time around, I don’t know it all. There’s so much searching, and learning, and growing to do. But I know enough, have enough common sense to understand most things.

except this time, I’d rather unlearn what is “right” to “wrong”. All the lessons of morality and values and goals and need for achievements.

When I was nine, all I wanted was a fairytale, it seemed so sensible to just want a happy ending. I know more now, and things just gets more and more complicated.

So this time it’s different. Through the years I have learned how to accept reality, I’ve learned about responsibilities, and consequences.

But, really. I just want my fairytale back.

2010-10-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

Such intense desire.
the wanting of dropping all necessities,
to drink, and breath, and bath only in the extraordinary.

To let go of all things common, anything that won't satisfy fully.
Living above the influence just to be influenced by the above and beyond.

To forget all decision making, and crossed paths.
To see one road, to fulfillment, of nothing but pure ecstasy.
floating on clouds because the streets aren't made for our feet.

To pout and whine like the days we were born.
but only to fix and satisfy by which ever means necessary.
Even if it means giving up on what society preaches of the utmost importance.

On rainy days, to drink nothing but wine from our lovers' lips.
sprawled under sheets and way over our heads.
forgetting that dates and time exist, taken place by serenity and perfection.

To explore the galaxy in our subconscious mind, because we do not want to travel too far from bed.
To build amusement parks, and make them privately ours.
And the only condiments they serve are champagne and happy pills.

To hold hands and walk off into the sunset, but this time we won't have to find our way back under the night sky.
because the world is ours, and home is wherever you are.

Because if we could find that love, that particular kind of love that everyone had searched for. Then maybe we could forget that we were searching for anything at all.

Then capturing it, and sew it onto ourselves. That way, no lock is required, and love will grow into our skin and become an inseparable part of our blood cells.

But fear tells an unflattering tale of how this is all just fictional fantasy.

So we continue searching, hoping.

Until we find the solution to keep this ours, forever, and ever, let's keep running.
Running away from all the bullshit, and all things ordinary.

Let's submerge into one another as if tomorrow couldn't possibly exist.
dive into the abyss of unknown, because instant pleasure is easier than dying.

and becoming two halves of one, so that the world is ours to keep. Because that's easier than solving equations and learning maps.

And who cares about history when we are making our own.
who cares about capitol when all we want is each other.

Where are you? and who's mask are you wearing this time?

2010-10-19T21:42:00.001-07:00

Always about timing.
an excerpt, extra on the pages.
yellow post-it mentions the brief history,
and long uncertainty.

reminder that this is a page worth reading.
read and re-read every word, until I can
speak of it inside and out.

such a beautiful soul.
full of desires and intent to build an empire.
I could get used to this.

Only if history and time could rewrite itself.
I'd ask to meet you at the exact moment
of the first falling petal.
softly landing, serene and surreal, and full of promises.

its always easy to come back home.
days and seconds tuning into eventual habitat.
so it seems hard to survive, without that door,
that handle, that page.

I cannot deny the desire that burns deep.
an understanding between two spirits.
holding on, without common physicality.
as if this intangible touch lingers,
and freezes time.

tread into the ocean water,
we forgot the cold.
who is to say,
the difference between right and wrong.
the existence of insight, of delightful uncertainty.

you deserve none but the greatest.
then stepping above, to hold a throne with bare hands.
to be king and queen of another era.

so here we are,
no answers, nor conclusions.
no expectations only a curiosity asking for air.
perhaps it will be a short lived fairytale that never reach an end.

but to have tasted those words,
to have witnessed a beauty unforgettable.
it is enough.

so fly, soar through the clouds.
the world is limitless, and it is yours.
the sky to own,
and a world to paint.

2010-10-14T12:28:00.001-07:00

2010-09-18T19:49:00.001-07:00

crippling sounds he’s made,
screams for help in midst of clouded night.
the hunt for some lightness was profound,
yet success is still a process reaching for ground.

she understands where his heart is.
where it beats and how it wants to survive.
sometimes fear gets to the best of us.
but why fear? when we’re here.

grotesque images scan through his bones,
he cannot help but scramble in nightmares.
she sees, she hears, she wants to come fourth.
shouting “I am with you, I am here.”

though the future looks familiar to the dark night,
nothing of promise but surprises along the way.
there is nothing to be fearful of.
because she will guide you through the way.
She does not know the route to victory.
but together, you’ll survive better than they.

death.

2010-09-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

remember that feeling?
that you just DON'T want to let go.
you can't, because if you let it go, then you die too.

simple as that, your heart exploding into million pieces, and they splatter on the wall.
You cannot piece it back together, some parts has been absorbed by air, some by earth, some lost forever.

You want to keep him there,
you beg for him to stay, to come back, to stay a little longer.
even though you are clear of the reality, yet you don't accept it.
You don't WANT to, and you cant.
because if you did,
you will surely die.

your skin melting off your bones and sliding to the ground.
the ground covered by fire, burning your skin and bone into ashes.

its so sickening, you feel the weight of the matter.
of those seconds turned into minutes.
you can feel his soul disappearing, and detaching itself from yours.

And its as if the baby rabbit had lost its mother.
it's heart beating scarcely fast, and it won't stop.
it can't.

and before your heart shatters, it is tied down with a thousand pounds, sinking,
deeper and deeper into the sea... somewhere light no longer belongs,
and the pressure causes such fractured explosions, no way to piece them back together now.

he is gone, he is out the door.
it hurts so much, not only your heart this time.
it hurts in your stomach, in your chest, in your bones.

you feel it with every fiber of your existence,
yet there is nothing you can do.

you can't save yourself,
and you cant save him.

so you let it go,
you let him close the door behind.

and you try to move, but you cant.
so you've died, a little bit at a time.

2010-09-05T18:34:00.001-07:00

‎"The right one for you will fall in love with the wild, unapologetically authentic spirit in you that others tried to tame."

2010-08-28T23:49:00.001-07:00

Whenever the past is being talked about, there’s always someone involved. Someone more than some thing, or some happenstance, or somewhere.

Whenever past is being talked about, it is you who is my first answer.

The past includes many things, people, occasions, instances. But when you narrow it down, the past of the brief present always include, and only conclude to someone significant.

Someone who changed your life, someone who made you change your view on life.
Someone that forgot you,
And that someone who you can never forget.

You can try, and there will be new places and new things and new events,
Yet the essential being of your distant yet ever so close past lingers.
Like a string of melted cheese,
Prolonged life, some undeserved,
Some intended for later.

And whenever the past is brought up, whether it be a song, a season, or a conversation. You are back to square one, reminencing the significance of someone who is or was so important to you, they become, not only part of your past, but the definition of the tense.

2010-08-16T23:05:00.001-07:00

The Movement-Christian Basso

Santa Monica

2010-08-14T23:43:00.000-07:00

CHINA 2010

2010-08-04T02:09:00.000-07:00

[798]

[Forbidden City]

[airport/misc]

[Shanghai]

[Summer Palace]

[World Expo 2010]

*Photos taken by Dia

THE END.

2010-07-20T01:52:00.001-07:00

life is a series of events, series of questions, series of lessons that substitute the answers. series of relationships, careers, journeys, series of dreams between reality.

always needing to choose between paths, persons, ideas.

you must think for yourself and others.

the answers always lie in the process of progress, of each lesson taught, each memory created.

and aside from that, to keep going, keep fighting, until the last page has turned, and to the beginning of a new chapter.

2010-07-09T23:14:00.000-07:00

"never love a wild thing, mr. bell," holly advised him. "that was doc's mistake. he was always lugging home wild things. a hawk with a hurt wing. one time it was a full-grown bobcat with a broken leg. but you can't give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get. until they're strong enough to run into the woods. or fly into a tree. then a taller tree. then the sky. that's how you'll end up, mr. bell. if you let yourself love a wild thing. you'll end up looking at the sky."
-- Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's

2010-07-07T23:32:00.000-07:00

its all too late now.

2509

2010-05-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

take this piece of me with you,
if peace may remain, I shall find you in the days to come.

alvaro

2010-05-28T22:23:00.001-07:00

Maybe we'll go for a ride
You said you'd take me nowhere
I said that suits me just fine
I know you've always been near
Whispering secrets i know i'm not supposed to hear
Hold your heart with two hands
Give it to me only to disappear
I'll only lose you when i'm high
Love survives only when we are apart
Your voice still sounds in my ears
Soft explosions that blossom with the beat of my heart

-azure ray

misc. photographs

2010-05-23T23:41:00.000-07:00

I must have seen too much skin
Much more than I needed to win
And much more than I wanted to dream
I must have felt so much pain
It’s funny how some things do remain
It isn’t true that things do change
Isn’t it strange how pain remains
But don’t look sad cause it isn’t sad
Now that I have you to myself

-blonde redhead

tick tock

2010-05-23T23:08:00.000-07:00

it is all about timing.
meeting at the right time, falling in love at the right moment.
being at the right time and place in life.
So you have already grown enough, learned enough.
so you can be more understanding, instead of demanding.
the right time, so you can grow in the same direction instead of running in circles.

time exist so we can keep track of things, appointments, dates, anniversaries, birthdays.

time separates the most beautiful encounters, prevent meetings, disrupt connections.

time exist to ease pain, force us to move on, move forward, day after day.

this time, let's hope it's the right time.

girlfriends and wives.

2010-05-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

Angelina Jolie, Audrey Tatou, Gong Li, Kate Winslet, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Rachael Yamagata, Shu Qi, Julian moore...

2010-05-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

no love.

Allow me to show you

2010-05-12T13:22:00.000-07:00

I won’t bind my strings to you
But build my world besides you
Watching you draw a line
Some say you are, you are
Just like a butterfly
Whose broken wings will spread
To softly feel your mood
Over the blue sky full of you
Pink love, pink love, pink love
Just like a fairytale

My only reason naturally
Starts to get to me
Pushing my way through
Mesh of life
I want to kiss the sickness of mind
My heart without reason
Sunken to deep disappointment
Spreads over universe
With a knife
I want to bleed out distress like this

It’s not just a fairytale
It's painted by me
It’s not just loneliness between you and I
If on magic mountain you find you can breath
Then stay and don’t look back
To the blue woven sky

Storms of petals are pouring down
Pushing their way through our pink love
So many polka dots painted by me
Spreads over universe for you
And I, I want to kiss
Pink love, pink love
I want to kiss
Pink love, pink love
In my mind
I state myself
The clock is ticking without you
Some may say illness
So called so called love
The sickness of mind

- Blonde Redhead

erin nelson via lolita

2010-05-04T23:25:00.001-07:00

They set fourth sailing into the sea.
The sky illuminated with dusty purple clouds and a glow of turquoise gems.
1, 2, 3 clouds hung lazily across the canvas.

The ship was small, but sturdy.
Nothing fancy, but homely.
a place to sleep, a place to bathe, and a deck to breathe.
His starboard, her port.

He taught her how to sail,
She knit him gloves to keep the wind from sneaking up his sleeves.
They drank wine on the deck, and drew kisses on each others skins.
each one filled with wishes of eternal harmony, faultless sins.

Time was lost over time,
months begged days to be forgotten.
every second more important than the seasons of a year.

A particular Saturday, or was it Sunday?
The wind suggests Saturday, the air Sunday.

a tiny creature flapped its wing on top of the calm sea,
and their world turned upside down.
the second its wing sunk into the water, ripples were created and made the ship sway.
at first lightly, then with force, gradually so intense some fishermen by the shore mistaken it to be a tsunami.

The sky turned into shades of burning ash, and unmistakable fear.
The empty bottles of wine flew off the deck and into the sea.
He could not grasp her hands nor wipe her tear.

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

The sturdy little ship lost the fight.
glass windows shattered and the sail flew with the wind.
There are no more tomorrows, and never again, a single kiss on her skin.

1,2,3, clouds hung lazily across the canvas.

airplanes.

2010-05-03T12:39:00.000-07:00

2010-04-27T00:07:00.000-07:00

"I made a mistake when I bound up my life with hers, but in my mistake there was nothing blameworthy, therefore I ought not to be unhappy. It is not I who am guilty," he said to himself, "but it is she. She does not concern me. She does not exist for me."
-Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy

2010-04-20T23:40:00.000-07:00

goldfish belongs in a bowl.
sharks may live in the aquarium,
but dolphins,
should roam in the wild sea.

in peace, not to be disturbed by unworldly thoughts.
it is too chaotic for it to survive,
it knows not to fight, but flee.

at least I've got my dream back.

2010-04-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

is it better not knowing,
leaving vacant blanks, never to be filled__

you look much more beautiful standing far away,
don't come near, not a step closer...
those dreams are fading, I haven't enough time to grasp them,
the only way to stop this is if you just, stand far away.

not a step closer.

photos found on le love.

2010-04-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

the artist

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect."

-Anais Nin

new york- photo overload.

2010-04-15T16:30:00.000-07:00

5 days in NYC, Chinatown, Soho, Brooklyn Bridge, Time Square, Empire State Building observatory, Staten Island Ferry, Rockefeller Center, Chelsea, ground zero...etc

Milan Kundera

2010-04-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

"“People are always shouting they want to create a better future. It's not true. The future is an apathetic void of no interest to anyone. The past is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke and insult us, tempt us to destroy or repaint it. The only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past.'"
-The Book of Laughter and Forgetting

"The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return."
-ignorance

"When we want to give expression to a dramatic situation in our lives, we tend to use metaphors of heaviness. We say that something has become a great burden to us. We either bear the burden or fail and go down with it, we struggle with it, win or lose. And Sabina - what had come over her? Nothing. She had left a man because she felt like leaving him. Had he persecuted her? Had he tried to take revenge on her? No. Her drama was a drama not of heaviness but of lightness. What fell to her lot was not the burden, but the unbearable lightness of being."

"In this unity there was happiness, but it is not far from happiness to suspicion, and the girl was full of suspicions. For instance, it occurred to her that other women (those who weren't anxious) were more attractive and more seductive, and that the young man, who did not conceal the fact that he knew this kind of woman well, would someday leave her for a woman like that. (True, the young man declared that he'd had enough of them to last his whole life, but she knew that he was still much younger than he thought.) She wanted him to be completely hers and herself to be completely his, but it often seemed to her that the more she tried to give him everything, the more she denied him something: the very thing that a light and superficial love or a flirtation gives a person."

"Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe, and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company."

unbearable lightness of being

2010-04-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

Tereza:"Instead of being your support,
I'm your weight.
Life is very heavy to me,
and it is so light to you.
I can't bear this lightness, this freedom.
I'm not strong enough.
In Prague,
I only needed you for love.
In Switzerland,
I was dependent on you
for everything.
What would happen
if you abandoned me?"

Tomas: "I've got to go."
Sabina: "Don't you ever spend the night
at the woman's place?"

Tomas:"Never."
Sabina: "What about when a woman's
at your place?"
Tomas:"I tell her
I get insomnia...
anything.
Besides, I have
a very narrow bed."
Sabina: "Are you afraid
of women, Doctor?"

Tomas:"Of course."

photo credit:http://film.virtual-history.com/

melodies and desires

2010-04-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

such a brave soul,
if i were you,
i would run.
would have walked away faster than a beat.

close, or far, always somewhere in between.

"love is the harmony, desire is the key"

2010-04-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

2010-03-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

shut out the world.
be as you please,
just for a day.

2010-03-29T23:37:00.001-07:00

addiction

2010-03-27T19:30:00.000-07:00

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet,
regardless of time, place, or circumstance.
The thread may stretch or tangle,
but it will never break."

-Red String of Fate

2010-03-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm a high school lover, and you're my favorite flavor
Love is all, all my soul

Yet my hands are shaking
I feel my body remains, time's no matter, I'm on fire

You're the piece of gold the flashes on my soul.
Extra time, on the ground.

Anytime, anywhere,
You're my playground love.

"it"

2010-03-23T23:36:00.000-07:00

it acts like a drug.
you swallow the little tablet and you're content.
then to realize the absolute reality after the flavor's gone.

a week later, maybe a month.
you miss it's texture, the way you felt when you placed it
right on the tip of your tongue.

you run to the pharmacist to purchase another,
only to be slapped in the face once again at the reality of the aftermath.

Yet, you keep going back. Again, and again.
Never mind the intolerable pain, but it lessens every visit,
maybe you're just getting used to it.
your body is adjusting to the punctures and blows.

It is never safe, until the effects of the tablet has disappeared.
never comforting, you are its slave, suffering in the darkness and light.

yet you are an addict.
or maybe it is the missing part of you.
the piece of puzzle that fills the void.

at least until the next time.

2010-03-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

50 states
50 lines
50 crying all the time's
50 boys
50 lies
50 i'm gonna change my mind's
i changed my mind
now i'm feeling different

we were young
we were young we didn't care
is it gone
is it floating in the air?

all that time, wasted
i wish i was a little more delicate

-Clementine, Sarah Jaffe

2010-03-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

The terribly inconvenient fact is that, without you around, everything slides back to how it was before. It can’t do otherwise. And I have to say, books haven’t helped much with all this. Because whenever you read anything about love, whenever anyone tries to define it, there’s always a state or an abstract noun, and I try to think of it like that. But actually, love is… Well, it’s just you. And when you go, it’s gone. Nothing abstract about it.

- Juliet, Naked, Nick Hornby

2010-03-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

"And there are always people who find their lives have become so unsupportable they believe the best thing they could do would be to hasten their transition to another plane of exsistance"
"They kill themselves, you mean?" Said Bod. He was about eight years old, wide-eyed and inquisitive, and he was not stupid.
"Indeed."
"Does it work? Are they happier dead?"
"Sometimes. Mostly, no. It's like the people who believe they'll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, but who learn it doesn't work that way. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. See what.I mean?"

-Neil Gaiman

2010-03-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

"Voici plus de mille ans que la triste Ophélie
Passe, fantôme blanc, sur le long fleuve noir,
Voici plus de mille ans que sa douce folie
Murmure sa romance à la brise du soir."

--arthur rimbaud, ophélie

For more than a thousand years sad Ophelia
Has passed, a white phantom, down the long black river.
For more than a thousand years her sweet madness
Has murmured its ballad to the evening breeze.

2010-03-14T01:11:00.000-08:00

afraid to stand still alone in midst of passing cars?
out fight the traffic with your steady feet.
stay still until the next light is shone.
until darkness may takeover and a new journey begins.

Overtaken by something particular,
night falls and the path no longer clear.
why make things so hard?
contradiction of your own philosophy.

there are no warriors,
nor savior out of this damp clay.
no direct route or street signs.
feel, but follow nothing.

eaten, half empty.
distorted, wasted.
cannot fill any voids,
cannot support the heavy structure of this empty room.

the beginning wasn't clear,
the end even more vague.

2010-03-12T22:46:00.000-08:00

"I can’t think of any greater happiness than to be with you all the time, without interruption, endlessly, even though I feel that here in this world there’s no undisturbed place for our love, neither in the village nor anywhere else; and I dream of a grave, deep and narrow, where we could clasp each other in our arms as with clamps, and I would hide my face in you and you would hide your face in me, and nobody would ever see us any more."

-Franz Kafka, The Castle

serenity, a peace of mind

2010-03-11T20:56:00.000-08:00

When will we stop?
to breathe and embrace the present.
always attached to the past,
or waiting for the future.
what about now?
a moment of silence,
recognition of grace.

slow down, just for one second.
take a deep breath,
remember you're not only here to make money, make home, make place.
while most of us has forgotten the true importance and essence of being alive,
there are reminders, to be found everywhere, if you will just look.

Don't forget to remember.

2010-03-08T23:11:00.000-08:00

"For Ryuji the kiss was death, the very death in love he always dreamed of.
The softness of her lips, her mouth so crimson in the darkness he could see it with closed eyes, so infinitely moist,
a tepid coral sea, her restless tongue quivering like sea grass ...
in the dark rapture of all this was something directly linked to death.
He was perfectly aware that he would leave her in a day,
yet he was ready to die happily for her sake. Death roused inside him, stirred."

-The Sailor Who Fell From Grace with the Sea by Yukio Mishima.

commas, & collected souls.

2010-03-08T18:44:00.000-08:00

he posessed her soul, wretched soul in love.
a disease, dysfunctional in every direction.
she put her feet on his dashboard,
he hated it yet never said a word.

His life was her fantasy,
she lived, breathed, dreamed with her vision,
of his world.
Even though she belonged under the palm tree,
he didnt, to her.
a slap to the face, farewell, no hard feelings.

She listened to every word from his lips,
none of it, she ever believed.
Too naive to understand trust, or recognize sincerity.
passion along with the moonlit sky,
in love, they were.

He taught her how to make a paper ballon,
and fly an airplane.
Standing near the circular window.
praying the days won't ever come to an end.
The day she learns how to make a crane,
he will wish, but she will flee.

He kept her locked up in the dark tower,
a single window, a glimpse of hope.
he fed her honey, and cut off all her hair.
blades so sharp, she pressed it hard,
and it skid across his neck.
honey tastes sweeter than blood.

They asked for another chance,
another life.
The clock only goes backwards here,
and the sky is never blue.
perhaps,
perhaps next time.
we can move forward, and paint the sky with illuminating clouds.

Apple slice, Candyland.
The palette spoke, distorted charcoal
turning into shades of charisma.
Finally, you are here.

"I can hardly run these days,
I can't believe we made it to the top."
"But we made it, look at the view,
beautiful, isn't it?"
she took his hand in hers.
"You said you would do anything to prove
your love."
She glanced at his face, and smiled.
"of course."
------------
Gone, she left without a trace,
but an imprint of her last smile in the wind.
proven, he has won.

commas, letters, words, sentences, paragraphs, pages.

ode to joanne...

2010-03-05T01:02:00.001-08:00

Never overlooked, your small inspections of the world makes wonders.
if you were a fruit, you'd be a kiwi.
a little zest never too sweet.
when the sky falls, you hold on tall.
sometimes for me too.

We held blue cups and sometimes forget to say hi.
but as the first raindrop of the season,
you're always a delight.

I think you understand,
you're a kiwi slice in the fruit stand.

2010-03-05T00:57:00.000-08:00

"A human being in perfection ought to always preserve a calm and peaceful mind,
and never allow passion or a transitory desire to disturb his tranquility."

2010-03-03T00:27:00.000-08:00

Closer.

2010-03-01T20:40:00.001-08:00

You are pages of ancient scripture.
Cannot decipher nor desire living under these intentions.
Dry as August desert air,
yet filled just as the oceans separating continents.
Of all the fragile things,
of Siken's words.
A literary mystery.

Taste those keys, melodies for surrender.
Good is better than perfect,
the two parallel, maybe paradox.
The fox is fleeting for the kill,
chasing tales, hunt for the thrill.
disregard those high expectations,
this mystery is better than answers.

2010-03-01T20:11:00.001-08:00

All those wildflowers, some tall, some thin, cling to his shoe.
he admires, then glances at the Tiger Lily, taken care of,
sitting in a vase, by his pillow case.
"Sorry I've forgotten you my dearest Tiger Lily."

"I have no interest to live with those wildflowers
you bring in nightly under the bottom of your soles,
sometimes you admire and inhale them a minute longer,
and my petals burn through its stems and I crave for more water."

"I will never leave you Tiger Lily."

"shh, please bring me some more water."

brian depew

2010-03-01T19:57:00.000-08:00

instant anxieties.
She's been calmer than the sea,
shallow river flows,
lessons taught from mid June to July.

exhausted,

2010-02-22T22:48:00.000-08:00

"We are healthy, only to the extent that our ideas are humane

Not even the creator of the the universe knew what the man was going to say next.

Of course it is exhausting having to reason all the time in a universe which wasn't meant to be reasonable."

-Kurt Vonnegut

2010-02-21T22:27:00.000-08:00

"You got all you came for, baby
So weary, someone to love is bigger than your prides worth
Is bigger than the pain you got for it hurts
And out runs all of the sadness
Its terrifying, life, through the darkness
And Id do it all again, Id do it all again"

Corinne Bailey Rae

2010-02-20T16:40:00.000-08:00

feels like a tiny flame, barely flickering.
Need something new, something exciting, something different.
a change, a new look, a new book, a new city.

to climb a mountain, swim in the ocean. Long drive to destination Unknown.
cut off all my hair, or maybe not.

taste the summer heat again, walk through dirty streets with food vendors.
or somewhere so cold you can barely feel your fingertips inside your gloves.
dance under the stars in a nearby desert, or sway with the crowd in dim lights.

something, somewhere else.

henry and june

2010-02-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

Henry Miller: All right, I'll tell you. June appeared like an Angel, and I offered her a fool's faith. She was a taxi dancer. I paid my dime, she put her head on my shoulder, but then the lies began. She told me her mother was a gypsy and her father was a count. Later, I saw a film and realized she swiped her whole childhood right out of the film.
Anais Nin: And so?
Henry Miller: So I married her.

We All Fall in Love /Everybody's Gotta Learn, Sometime

2010-02-12T17:16:00.000-08:00

silence better than words.
there are no prizes in the end.

it's going to be just fine.

2010-02-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

Lolita

polkadots&vodkashots

tumblr

Richard Siken

2010-02-08T22:46:00.001-08:00

When we were little we made houses out of cardboard boxes. We can do anything. It’s not because our hearts are large, they’re not, it’s what we struggle with. The attempt to say Come over. Bring your friends. It’s a potluck, I’m making pork chops, I’m making those long noodles you love so much.

My dragonfly, my black-eyed fire, the knives in the kitchen are singing for blood, but we are at the crossroads, my little outlaw, and this is the map of my heart, the landscape after cruelty which is, of course, a garden, which is a tenderness, which is a room, a lover saying Hold me tight, it’s getting cold.

We have not touched the stars, nor are we forgiven, which brings us back to the hero’s shoulders and a gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it. The lawn is drowned, the sky on fire, the gold light falling backward through the glass of every room.

I’ll give you my heart to make a place for it to happen, evidence of a love that transcends hunger. Is that too much to expect? That I would name the stars for you? That I would take you there? The splash of my tongue melting you like a sugar cube? We’ve read the back of the book, we know what’s going to happen. The fields burned, the land destroyed, the lovers left broken in the brown dirt. And then it’s gone. Makes you sad.

A page of the book where we transcend the story of our lives, past the taco stands and record stores. Moonlight making crosses on your body, and me putting my mouth on every one. We have been very brave, we have wanted to know the worst, wanted the curtain to be lifted from our eyes. The dream going on with all of us in it. Penciling in the bighearted slob. Penciling in his outstretched arms. Our Father who art in Heaven. Our Father who art buried in the yard.

The splash of my tongue melting you like a sugar cube…We were in the gold room where everyone finally gets what they want, so I said What do you want, sweetheart? and you said Kiss me. Here I am leaving you clues. I am singing now while Rome burns. We are all just trying to be holy. My applejack, my silent night, just mash your lips against me.

We are all going forward. None of us are going back.

photos

2010-02-07T00:16:00.000-08:00

au revoir

2010-02-05T20:54:00.000-08:00

He is a murderer, he is a thief.
Stealing the crystal moonlight,
in return for a piece of mind.
He catches her soul,
sewing the lids who flutter,
hopelessly bonding with the way of lavender ribbons.
"I want to read everything you write."
But you'd like to ride off into the night.
Skid across her skin, without mercy.
So murder.

050609

More Tom Robbins, and a little Siken.

2010-02-05T20:25:00.000-08:00

"You are a fever I am learning to live with." -Richard Siken, Crush

"The difference between love and logic is that in the eyes of a lover, a toad can be a prince, whereas in the analysis of a logistician, the lover would have to prove that the toad was a prince, an enterprise destined to dull the shine of many a passion." - Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume

"If space is love, professor, then is love space? Or is love something we use to fill space? If time eats the doughnut, does love eat the hole?"

"Water is buried and rises again; water walks on fire and fire gets the blisters."
-Tom Robbins, Even the Cowgirls Get the Blues

must re-read

2010-02-01T00:57:00.000-08:00

"I may be mad, he thought, but I prefer the shit of this world to whatever sweet ambrosias the next might offer."

"My balls are so heavy I cannot leave the bed."

"Courage is required to reject the secure blessings of society in order to woo the unpredictable ecstasies of the solitary soul."

"If you can't get any enlightenment out of a situation, you might as well get some fun."

"Alobar forced him to swear on everything he considered holy, including whiskey."

"Sure, a lot of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people are assholes, too, and an asshole with money can at least pay for his own drinks."

-Tom Robbins Jitterbug Perfume

ANNNNND...Still Life as a Woodpecker!!

2010-01-25T20:56:00.000-08:00

Currently stuck in a paradox of how serious life is, and how big a joke it REALLY is.
but essentially, we are here. we gotta do it, handle business, tough shit.

seriously, take a second. take a step back, and look at the whole picture. Funny isn't it? we're so pent up and butt hurt over the most ridiculous shit, everyone just "wants to be happy", everyone wants answers, yet no one ever finds them. At least not the ones they were hoping to see. It's like finally figuring out what you'll go with, the shake, the orange juice, or the soda. "I'll take a strawberry shake please." "Sorry but we only serve chocolate and vanilla on Thursdays." Things will never go the way we want exactly, yet we still try so damn hard to bend and mend.

Why are human connections so important? at least to most of us. The intimacy, the drama, the aches and the ecstasy. We throw ourselves into uncertainty like baby deers in midst of high beams and thick fog. Staring into the blinding light yet unable to move our feet. We're so fascinated and so curious, so scared yet so comfortable. The lightness someone can provide for us may also crush us to pieces. giving us an oxygen tank, or pulling the plug to our last dying breath.

It's like a book with infinite chapters, we want to stop reading but there are no bookmarks around. All we can do is keep going until the last page has turned and we can close the back cover. Put a lock on it and hopefully can take the best of it and leave most behind.

haha only if i can remember to take things less serious, as Oscar Wilde's words of wisdom "Life is too important to be taken seriously." ironic, oxymoron, call it whatever you like. Life is so serious it's almost like a bad joke told by someone, you want to laugh but there's nothing funny about it. You're stuck, you make some rules sure, you learn a shit ton, you fall and scrape your knees, you get back up and you think you've learned until you fall and scrape your elbows the next time around.

Is it really funny?

haha

Anais Nin

2010-01-25T20:13:00.000-08:00

"There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person."

"There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest."

http://www.anaisnin.com/

2010-01-25T02:20:00.000-08:00

It's a struggle between wanting to shed youth and grow into the richness of maturity, to obtain knowledge. Yet at the same time keeping a tight leash on the innocence, the scent of forgetfulness.

Days to blame because we were too young to understand.

2010-01-25T02:05:00.000-08:00

You said I'm heartless, in the coldest winter.
I amaze myself, how could i alter reality and lead an empty story.
Those songs i played, they're meant for you to keep.
no more memories to hold onto, tossed away easily as they came.

I could apologize a million times,
into an infinite space, wasted words no one to hear.

2010-01-23T17:32:00.000-08:00

Passport Radio

2010-01-23T16:15:00.000-08:00

"Where are you?"
She searched the darkness for light, empty space for solidity.

Has it been a year? two? a decade? Since his ship left the shore.

She faked her death so he would come back to her. Instead, he's gone. He has gone so far away no one knows the returning route. He is lost at sea.

Her heart was cut out and placed in a metal box, "take this with you".
He set out into the darkness, believing the cure for her sickness was dependent on his strength. He wanted to cure her not because he loved her, but to prove that he could.

time turned into nothingness, passed through tunnels of light years with impossible speed. She has forgotten his lips, and his awkwardly long fingers.

"He is lost, to find a cure for my heart."

She is a beautiful and adequate liar.
there was never a heart to begin with.

Third time

2010-01-23T15:59:00.000-08:00

There's a dead rose hanging on the wall.
She killed the solider, he wasn't such a tough warrior as his looks.

First time, she was the fool.
Second time, neither was to blame.
Third time, a single shot through the cavity in his empty chest.

There were light and hope, it sparked and triggered.
The bullet tainted with his bloody soul.